The idea that I wasn’t happy hit me so hard it shook me to the core and made me feel like a fraud.
You may have seen some of my Noon🕛Time video’s on Facebook, YouTube, or Instagram, these videos where I preach about living a better life. If you follow me at all on social media you also know that I’m a Life Coach and that I put a lot of attention on depression and anxiety. I’ve even begun to teach meditation because of how much it has changed my life since learning how to do it four years ago.
As a new Life Coach I’ve learned a lot about people and their behavior, especially their aversion to getting help or coaching especially when they need it the most. I’ve learned by watching really successful coaches that in order to be great you must develop a very special skill that can easily be applied to most people with outstanding results.
In order to do that a coach must first do a lot of research. A coach may start with a great idea but that’s when the real work begins. There must be scientific data and case studies to back up this idea. Case studies maybe from other researchers or from practical real world cases. A case study involves testing and then researching the tests and then improvements and more testing. A perfect example of this is Mel Robbins, “5 Second Rule”, she had the idea to launch herself out of bed like a rocket 🚀 and see what happened. She tested this method on her self for a period of time and measured the results once she could see that her idea was working she went to work on the research. Pouring over data about how the brain works and why this technique was working. She dug deep and found the answers to support her claim and then it was time to test her idea on other people and do even more research to discover more applications for her idea.
As a new coach I was so inspired by Mel Robbins work as well as the work of other great coaches who have developed amazing life transforming concepts. I decided to stop coaching for a while and get to work researching how one can rewire their own brain and build the right habits for success. I had already done this for myself having overcome huge obstacles in my life including learning disabilities and a mild form of dyslexia before returning to school to get an undergrad in Theology and a master’s in General Psychology with an emphasis on coaching. I had also taught myself how to quit using drugs 15 years earlier and quit smoking cigarettes 4 years ago. I definitely wanted to reverse engineer how I did all of that so I could teach it to others.
I thought the best place to start would be to connect with neuroscientist and neuropsychologist to get a better understanding of how one goes about changing their mind in a way that changes their brain so that the new healthy habits stick and the old habits fade and disappear. This process is known as neuroplasticity or the growing of new brain cells and new neurological connections.
Excited to share on social media my grand project and some of the new things I’ve been learning, I published a long post or micro-blog about it on Instagram and Facebook
That’s when it hit me!
Another great coach named Simon Sinek published a great case for starting every project with WHY. I thought I had established this why already, the fact that I was trying to reverse engineer, (a Gary Vaynerchuk technique) my success up to this point. But that’s not at all WHY I wanted to do this research project.
I thought It would be nice to work hard and create a peer reviewed work that might position me as an authentic scientist or psychologist, someone who was making a real contribution to the field, an expert, and possibly a Doctoral candidate.
In the moment after posting about this monumental task to change the world I paused, to continue a practice I started earlier this year, a practice of looking back a my past accomplishment. Knowing that none of them were fulfilling and that the happiness they provided was far more temporary than I thought it would be. In some cases, such as graduating from college I heading off to my night job like nothing ever happened and had a crappie night to boot.
In that moment I really wanted to know deep down why did I want to do this what was I really hopping for at the end of this multi-year commitment. To be a Doctor? To have a peer reviewed work? To change the world?
Another accomplishment for what? Who am I trying to impress anyway? I’m not even impressed with myself most of the time?
I know that I’m generally an angry person. Why? I don’t know. I’ve always told myself that I’m not angry I’m just frustrated with the amount of work I have to do to accomplish yet another task or another goal that will in the end leave me feeling empty and unfulfilled and then my mind starts again, what can I do next that’s bigger and better then the last thing I did?
How can I do better?
How can I make more money to solve all of my problems?
How can I be a better husband?
A better father?
A better friend?
A better employee?
How much weight do I need to lose to feel good?
How many degrees do I need before I can respect myself?
How far do I have to run before I can be considered an athlete?
How long do I have to meditate before I’m enlightened or at least not frustrated or angry?
Why don’t I like most of the things my friends like?
Then I realized I quit drugs 15 years ago and smoking 4 years ago but all I’ve really done is covered them up with achievements and a constant longing for one more thing.
I realized that I exercise to try and pay for all the damage I do with my pour eating habits.
I realized that I’m constantly worried and obsessed about making more money because I’m never satisfied with what I have.
I try to quite my craving with food and spending money which only makes me more unhappy, more frustrated, more angry, because no matter how hard I try or how many things I achieve I’m not happy.
Are you Happy?
How do you know your happy?
I see people everyday overeating like me.
I hear people telling me and the world on social media how happy they are with a drink in their hand or a smoke in the other.
I see people who are cheating on their partner telling me how happy they are.
I see people everyday escaping their lives for 3-5 hours a day starring at their phones just like me.
I see people spending hours at the gym and grinding it out on their school work all while doing a 50 hour work week. What are you try to get ahead of ? Your own unhappiness like me?
Where does it end when do we ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? Why can’t it be now what more do I have to do?
How can I be happy? How can you be Happy?
I got a glimpse of this unhappiness last fall when several people told how mean I was and a few told me that I make a lot of other people unhappy because I’m so angry. That’s when I quit doing my Noon 🕛Time videos. I had a lot of excuses and reasons for not doing them but mainly because I felt like a fraud just as I do now. How can I yell a great message into the camera and come to work hanging my head?
Well, I’m doing the videos every week now because they are one thing that make me feel better. I think I need to hear the message more than anyone else and starting today I’m gonna start learning how to be happy.
I’m changing today. I’m changing my research project and my reason WHY.
Today I’m researching how to be happy, not so I can have another achievement or change the world. I’m doing it so I can learn how to do it, to change my own life.
If you read this far thank you for being a part of this journey with me. I don’t know where it will lead but I love that I have you along with me.